(and How I’m Applying Those Lessons to Parenting Today)
My husband and I recently packed up the kids and spent the weekend at an AirBnB with my mom, my siblings, our nephew, and our nieces. It was the first time in a long time that we were all staying together in one place.
I have two older sisters and a younger brother. Among them, I was the only one that moved away from home. I thought I would eventually return after college, but instead, I got married and started my own family, three hundred miles away.
Growing up is hard sometimes. As adults it’s challenging to stay connected when everyone gets busy with their jobs, families, or other life happenings. Some families are good at staying connected, but it takes a lot of work!
There is a quote out there that says, “family is like the branches of a tree. We may grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.” When we are all together, I’m reminded of how strong our roots really are.
As I raise my own kids, and watch them navigate their own relationships with one another, I’m reminded of what I learned from my siblings so many years ago. Here are the 8 best lessons I learned from my siblings.
1. Life isn’t Fair
To me, this is the most important one. My siblings and I were good at keeping track of who would get the best gifts every birthday or holiday. When we were little, we weren’t good at hiding the disappointment or resentment when it wasn’t us who got that extra special gift. But our parents were quick to jump in and make us instantly trade that feeling of disappointment for feelings of gratitude. They really tried to keep things fair but often reminded us (and what we later discovered ourselves) that life isn’t fair. Learning that at a young age made for much less of a shock as we got older.
My three year old recently began telling me “that’s not fair.” Even as a parent with the best intentions, I couldn’t avoid this. But at this age, it seems to be just a phase. With as many kids as we have, it seems one day, they all of a sudden realize that mom’s time can’t be divided among them evenly every day, the older kids will have more responsibilities than the younger kids, and for the sake of mom and dad’s bank account, they will need to take turns on buying new clothes. I know, I know, life can be so hard at that age.
2. Forgive, Because None of Us Are Perfect
Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. -Mel Robbins
Kids are naturally good at forgiving others. Somewhere along the journey of becoming adults, we forget how easy it is to forgive. For the sake of a clear heart and a clear mind, forgive, and move on.
I make sure my kids give heartfelt apologies when they are wrong, and also make sure that the one receiving the apology also acknowledges it. My kids go from crying to apologizing to playing again in about ten seconds. Most days.
3. Even if the World is Against Us, You’ve Got Me and I’ve Got You
One of the biggest problems in schools is bullying. It was hard finding the right group of people to fit in with that were also a good influence. Thankfully, having a sister one year older than me, and a brother one year younger than me, we were not easy targets for bullies. We weren’t always the best of friends, but we stood firm in having each other’s back.
Because my son is the only boy and is also the oldest, he takes his big brother role very seriously. He has done a great job in modeling to his little sisters what it means to look out for one another. At only eight years old, I can trust that he is always being kind and respectful around others while also keeping an eye out for his sisters. It makes my heart so happy to see him naturally assume this role.
4. Alone We Can Do So Little, Together We Can Do So Much
We learned teamwork at a very young age. Growing up on a farm, we weren’t scared of hard work. Some of our duties included irrigating the alfalfa field, picking up the hay bales in the field so we had food for our cows in the winter, mowing the yard, pulling weeds, trimming trees, and shoveling snow in the winter. Operating together as a team also meant we had to be people of integrity and keep our word to one another so the work got done.
My husband works a full time job that allows me to stay home and homeschool our kids. To keep our house functioning as a whole, we need to rely on strong teamwork to get us through the day. One way I reinforce this lesson with my own children is with our family chore chart. Check out that blog post to see how we encourage and reward our kids for being good team players!
5. Have Thick Skin and a Soft Heart
There were plenty of times when a heated argument turned into name calling or even a small scuffle. Depending on the situation, we either brushed it off or stood up for ourselves.
I often joke with my sister that it’s a miracle we are as close as we are today. We sure knew how to fight and argue but we also knew how to be a friend when the other needed it. As the saying goes, you may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you.
The best way to teach my kids this lesson is to lead by example. I do this by remaining calm, not sweating the small stuff, showing people I care by my actions and not just my words, and don’t take people’s sh*t. I’m kidding! Just a little…
6. The Key Ingredient in Family Communication is Really Listening
Have you ever heard you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason? When our family communication was lacking, a family meeting was called. We would take turns talking and no one was allowed to interrupt. Even today, the first person I usually call is one of my sisters when I just need to be heard.
I can sense when the communication in our house is a little off. The kids are short tempered, I am a little more agitated, my husband is edgy, and we are all waiting for a bomb to explode. But, before that happens, I make it a point to call a family meeting so we can talk about problems or expectations and give our kids the opportunity to express their frustrations. It makes a huge difference!
7. A Supportive Family Builds a Home
I say this a lot, I’m extremely lucky to have so much support from my siblings. It is so great having siblings I am not rivals with. They are there to cheer me on and to see me succeed. For that, I am so grateful.
During my last visit with my grandpa before he passed away in the middle of Covid, I asked him what his best parenting advice would be. He told me to always support my kids because they are going to need it. The one thing I want more than anything is for my kids to reflect on their childhood and remember how much their mom believed in them and supported them.
8. Life is Nothing Without a Good Sense of Humor
My brother thrives on making people laugh. It is his best quality. When I was frustrated or upset, he would act like my therapist and pretend to jot down my problems on his imaginary notebook while repeatedly asking, “and how does that make you feel?” This would continue until I couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. My brother knows laughter is the best therapy.
Thankfully, my husband believes this, too. They say opposites attract, but the one trait we have in common is our sense of humor. When the kids are upset, when our passionate conversations get too heated, or when it just seems like a very bad day, we laugh hysterically. To the point where we are crying. When you love and laugh abundantly, you live a beautiful life.
When We Have Each other, We Have Everything
Throughout the years, our family dynamic has changed. But what remains the same is the close relationship I have with my siblings. It takes being intentional about prioritizing phone calls often and making the most of the time we have together. Nothing will ever replace my very first friends (and sometimes rivals) in life.
As parents, we are doing the best we can with raising adults through childhood. The world is constantly changing which makes navigating motherhood a challenge. But remember, your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.
What lessons from your childhood are you trying to implement in your parenting journey? Please let me know in the comments!
